In case you were worried I’m off my kick about being very squishy in my middle age. I’m not at all done lamenting. I’m just getting warmed up folks. Yesterday I spoke to my eldest daughter by squishing my belly into a mouth. And again I went Canadian with the accent. Why? I’m not sure it just happened. It was a short conversation because she stormed off in a somewhat disgusted huff. Which is for the best because the accent would have gone full pirate. All of my impressions go full pirate about two lines in.
My attempt at becoming less squishy is a three pronged plan. Which is ironically a dessert fork. Prong the one. Stop sitting for long periods. Most of my work happens at a computer and sometimes hours pass and I haven’t moved. This is no bueno. They say it’s like smoking a pack a day….. but you have fewer personal anecdotes involving hookers and blow. Middle prong involves tracking my food consumption and counting calories. Unfortunately, I am more than willing to lie to myself and just not record the bad stuff so this prong has been a lot on the futile side. The final prong is running. Lord love a duck I hate running so much! But the fact that I can’t do it has me locked into an epic battle with my own body in an effort to prove that it can’t tell me what to do. It’s an interesting perk to being both combative and self loathing.
Because I both hate running and insist on running I have a lot of internal conflict. I am both the protagonist and antagonist of my own story. The Sharon to my Stacy if you will. I argue with me all the live long day. I argue against going running, I argue that I should quit once I am running, and then I gloat that I can successfully run in spite of myself.
The following is a list of 10 thing and then the other 10 things that illustrate this dysfunction.
10 Ways I Noped yesterday and many many other days
- I washed my hair last night and I don’t want to get it sweaty.
- I feel like I’m coming down with something and running will deplete the energy I need to fight off a pending virus.
- I’m feeling dehydrated. Running will dehydrate me further and then I could get a headache and then I’ll be angry and then I’ll yell at the kids and then the whole house is hostile and it’s not worth ruining everyone’s life.
- I only have four hours before I have somewhere to be or something to do so there’s really not enough time when you think about the time it takes to get ready, and then go, and then I’d have to shower and change my clothes and I’ll be blotchy and red for who even knows how long.
- I probably can’t find socks and I’m feeling uncomfortable with just the thought of having a sock slide down into my shoe like it did that one time four years ago PLUS blisters could become a real concern if I don’t have proper socks.
- It’s either too cold and I don’t have gloves or a balaclava, or too hot and I could overheat and be sick, too windy I won’t be able to breathe, or too nice to spend the day huffing and puffing.
- I should stop being so hard on myself and do more things I enjoy. Why go be miserable when I can take advantage of a babysitter and make some me time. I need me time. Me time is important. It’s almost stupid to waste me time doing something I hate. When you think about it what is truly the healthier choice? Having a horrible exhausting frustrating run that will remind me of how bad I am at running OR choosing an activity that reduces stress and leaves me feeling calm happy and relaxed and makes me feel like I’m a good person.
- None of my running clothes fit anymore because I’m too fat. I refuse to buy more clothes because I’m definitely going to exercise and diet really good and all my clothes will fit again, starting tomorrow. So today I should probably relax before my fitness get super intense. I should probably enjoy my last donut while I’m at it.
- I saw the same care drive past the house twice and I bet they are just waiting for me to leave so they can either violate me or my unattended house. I better stay here and see if it drives by again.
- Running is selfish. My family needs me to be here with them right now, enjoying the present, not out chasing the dream of my pants fitting again. Plus pants are stupid. I’ll just get new pants.
10 examples of ways I have aborted mission
- It’s not as cold as I thought it was and I am way overdressed. I am going to overheat from this ski mask if someone doesn’t call the police first because I look like I just pulled off a bank heist. What I really need to do is wait to go running until I buy a balaclava. A balaclava is really what separates the runners from the robbers. I need to buy a nicer friendlier less aggressive balaclava before I get myself tased by some asshole do gooder. I’ll just wave at everyone so they know I’m friendly. That felt weird, that was too awkward and uncomfortable. I need to go home.
- It is sooooo cold I’m definitely going to have hypothermia if I don’t just go home and put a coat on. Is my butt shaking from the impact of the run or shivering. I am running into pneumonia. That’s what I am doing. I am getting my lungs good and weak and then getting the pneumonia because I am a stupid little person who does stupid little things and I will never learn and then I’ll die. Of runners pneumonia.
- I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. We’re having a heart attack. This is it. This is an actual heart attack.
- I’m already feeling hungry. Running is going to make me think I need to eat more food than I really need to eat which cancels out the running which makes all of this effort a colossal waste of time.
- For the love of all that is holy just walk. Walking is just as good as running but without all the hurting. Walk. Walk now. Switch it to a walk. and we’re walking. Walk. Walk. Walk. You have nothing to prove! Walk. Just walk.
- I am officially making a scene. I am blotchy. I can’t breathe. I look like I’m on the brink of death. Someone is going to attack me now because I have gone and made myself too vulnerable. Like the injured gazelle. An attack is imminent. I need to walk it off and try to look more in control and powerful. Attackers are like bears I need to make myself look bigger not weak.
- Oh my good neighbor allstate is there! That is definitely a cramp. It’s more than a cramp. This feels serious. Probably blew a meniscus. Never ignore an injury. It’s because I’m over training. Walk it off and let’s skip tomorrow and really heal. If I ignore this it could mean surgery. I don’t have time for a long drawn out recovery. Prevention is the key. Stop the run before this becomes a medical emergency.
- This is far enough. One mile is more than enough to be proud of. My goals are insanely out of reach. One mile is good. It’s exactly the right amount. I’ll do one mile today and then baby steps until I’m comfortably at two miles. That’s a really good idea. I’ve obviously matured a lot. You’ve got to know when to listen to your body and stop.
- You’ve got to know when to hold them. Know when to fold them. Know when to walk away. Know when to run. Oh F%$#% sake Kenny! you too? seriously I don’t even like that stupid song. I don’t think I’ve ever heard this song sung by the original singer. I only ever hear this horrible song in my own head and I don’t know how that’s even possible except through Satan.
- I hate everything and I want to go home and I need to stop doing this to myself. Oh great and now I have to pee. I can’t run if I have to pee. No one can. Cease and Desist. CEASE AND DESIST!! I will shoot me.
Despite my abusive ways I complete the run. Once I return home from a successful jaunt I am so proud of me. and ashamed of me. I really am the worst, but also proud because I rose above those that would hold me down. Which, again, is only me. To my credit I am sort of a force to be reckoned with so I should be proud I conquered such a formidable foe. Right?