Again? Yes. Again.

Ouch. That’s typically my first word every single morning. I repeat it through out the day. A long with many other zombie-esque noises. I’m ‘sick’ more often than I’m not. I hurt. Really hurt. ALL THE TIME. Doctors like to show patients a pain scale and ask for a corresponding number. It looks like this.

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From 0-2 the description reads “Pain is present but does not limit activity” In my world that should really read “Holy SH%T BALLS MOTHER F%$#@RS! Nothing hurts! I’ve heard of this phenomenon! We have to celebrate! Don’t touch me. Nobody touch me. If anyone does anything at all to ruin this I will end you. Violently.”

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The face I make shortly before an attack or when I’m doing math

2-4 reads “Can do most activities with rest periods” This is my area on my good days. These are days I’m grateful for. These are days I find myself wondering what I did differently to feel so much better. “Can do most activities with rest periods” should still be changed to “Look at you go! Daaaaaaaaang. Taking over the world at this rate. You are killing it. Nothin’s gonna hold you down sweet cheeks. Whoa, whoa whoa Sharon, DON’T OVER DO IT. For the love, don’t you ruin this you ignorant fool.”

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4-6 “Unable to do some activities because of pain” should really read “Unless you have a maid, cook, chauffeur, personal assistant, and a nanny…. suck it up buttercup you don’t have a choice.”  I spend a lot of time in this area. I’m here so often that this is where I get my mail. My family believes I’m just perpetually in a bad mood but when I tell them everything hurts and I’m dying they cannot relate so they ignore me. There’s a lot of eye rolling and disbelief for a person who spends too much time in this range. It’s hurtful to not be believed or receive empathy, but I can understand it has become white noise. At the same time I am glad they don’t understand. I wouldn’t wish this on them. If they hurt all the time, they would complain all the time, and who wants to hear that?

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6-8 “Unable to do most activities because of pain” I’m on this side of 4-6 more often than I visit the other side. It really sucks because there is never a good story behind it. I’d love to tell you I was visiting my spouse’s office for a Christmas party when suddenly I had to fight off terrorists and I probably hurt my everything when I repelled off the side of a building and crashed through some glass windows. That’s almost never how I actually got hurt. 98% of the time I woke up hurt for no reason. I go to bed at a solid 5 on the scale and wake up at an 8. Recently, I fell asleep wearing a hoodie. A soft comfortable hoodie. But because I laid on the hood all night I woke up unable to move my neck. As if I had been attacked by a crazy person yielding 2×4’s demanding me lucky charms and me Netflix password. In a twisted way I wish I had. I would much rather be hurting because I was viciously attacked than be immobile because my sweatshirt was bunched up.

 

Finally we have reached 8-10. I’m grateful I don’t reach this stage very often. The description reads “Unable to do any activities because of pain” I worry this is my future. In my own personal Christmas carol this would be my, Ghost of Christmas yet to come.  This is the truest motivation for all of my attempts at fitness.

Fitness goals run the gamut. For so many it’s a dress size, a number on the scale or a specific accomplishment, ie marathon, Iron man, Weightlifting PR, record time on a WOD etc. I do set those same goals myself as well. It’s great to have a tangible moment of success in my journey. I rarely achieve those types of goals though. My health is a regular hindrance.  For example I have been training for a marathon for too many years to count. I hate running. Regardless, year after year after year I run and I run and I run. After all of these years of running I have still never run a 5k distance without a walk break. Yep, I’m that good.

 

A lot of people who know me or my family don’t believe that is true because they know I have been an active person for years and there’s just no way a person can spend that much time doing something and never get better at it. Yet here I am proving that it can be done if your heart is in the right place. Or has a big ass hole in it.

It’s the same pathetic story on eternal repeat. I start a fitness program, then life happens. I get hurt, or I get lazy, or I get busy and “healthy” takes a backseat. Then I have to start all over again. It’s the worst and it’s hard to get excited to try again when I know I won’t really get anywhere. I won’t achieve the same picture of success that others on a similar journey will achieve. Like my husband who started triathlons years after I did and has now competed in several 70.3’s and recently finished a full in Napa. Not me. I still struggle to swim across the pool and back without a break to catch my breath.

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After so many failures then, why I don’t I find another hobby? Or just give up? Because the real motivation comes from the knowledge that if I eat healthy and become lean, I will hurt less and less often. The healthier my heart the healthier my blood circulation and the faster I will heal. All in all the further I stay on the friendlier end of that pain scale the better. So in all these years of training for it, I still have never actually run a marathon which seems like an epic fail, BUT it’s not really a fail. It’s a strange kind of success that no one gets to cheer about but me. The success is every good day I have. If I keep trying and keep working I won’t cross a finish line but I will have good days. Lots of them. At my leanest many of those days were in the 0-2 range. One day turned into several days and then several days became a good week etc etc

That’s my goal. Have good days. How will I do it? Funny you should ask. I’m currently training for a marathon.

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7 thoughts on “Again? Yes. Again.

  1. I hate those pain scales. Where does “The pain has been at this level for so long I’m ignoring it because otherwise I’ll lose my mind” fit? Or “It hurts about as much as natural childbirth?”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am lucky because I am healthy and feeling no perpetual pain like you do. Still I strongly believe there’s nothing worse than to always be in pain! Nobody sees that, but it must tear you down like crazy! Nothing is fun anymore when you’re in pain. So sorry for you 😦

    Like

  3. Bless you, dear Heart. Love your ending of positivity as it helps you take a step forward, and then another, and then another. When we count to good always, we’ll have heaps of blessings as the gift that is life. ❤

    Like

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