Great. You Noticed. Now I can’t be that anymore.

Please for the love of Kool-Aid do not define me. My need to be all of the things at once and therefor none of the things is powerful. My dysfunction is so deeply embedded I need to see an archaeologist not a therapist. (Though either is just going to say WTF and call their mom)

All of my issues in a grid
I started this blog in the AM. Took a nap and now I don’t want to explain myself so I won’t. Instead lets just talk about the noise I think my butt might be making when I run. It’s like really soft clapping. It’s not just cheek hitting cheek, it’s also a little bit of cheek hitting thigh. A cacophony of slapping. Not so loud that I’m a mobile applause but loud enough I’ve mentally engineered a special harness for my backside. I really think it would be a hit with others my age that have begin to notice the strange things our bodies have begun to do that no one ever really talks about.

Let’s not discuss my ridiculous running form or my poor drawing skills.  I have had little to no training. Can we please focus on the real issue Sharon.

When we went through the first set of scary changes, the big puberty, there were classes and pamphlets and awkward uncomfortable conversations with a parent. And the hilarity of your health teacher trying to seriously say penis to a room full of children. Good times.

This go around we’re getting total shit for support. No advise. No reassurance. No special section at the book store. That’s not right. Middle Age is way more intense than puberty. I’m thinking of writing the following books.

  • The places you’ll now be shaving
  • That Mole Tho’
  • Stop. You’ll Pee a Little.
  • A moment on the lips, a lifetime of type II diabetes, heartburn, 17 pound weight gain in a single sitting, bloating, a headache, and one more bite you’re losing a cap Sharon
  • Your new body is a lot of shapes and other disappointing facts.
  •  How to talk to your insurance about where your doctor wants to shove something
  • Naps are back!
  • From tattoos and piercings to Laparoscopy and clamps
  • It’s all wrinkly now but it still works. Most of the time.

That’s a lot of books. That’s a lot of work. That’s really just scratching the surface but I strongly believe there is an audience for this genre. I’m thinking other people should actually do the writing though. People who know more about things and can actually offer solutions. I can only offer tips that turn out to be horrible advise.

I know that the health and beauty industry is a billion dollar market because all sorts of promises are being made. All these jackenheimers are trying to convince you that youth and beauty are some kind of attainable pursuit. I can’t do it. I’m not that guy. I’m a realist. You want someone to blow sunshine up your skirt you need to put an ad on craigslist or join a beachbody program. I’m only going to promise you that with just 45 minutes a day and a lifetime supply of delicious and nutritious shakes you’re still going to have squishy parts! And those parts are gonna get squishier and squishier.  And then you’ll die. But the good news is you’re only half as a repugnant as you think you are. So learn to speak french and possibly to play an instrument and then BAM! you’re interesting again. If that ain’t a rainbow at the end of the golden pot I don’t know what is.

Now I’m going to go for a run because my neighbor is finally cleaning up their yard and I want to offer a very passive aggressive round of applause.

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