If I have a problem, yo, I’ll solve it.

I’ll tell you why I’m getting fat. It’s because I’m bored as sh*t.

For real.

When is the last time I ran up a slide? I used to love that. The trick was to run super fast so gravity didn’t notice until you reached the top accompanied by the sweet sound of all the adults yelling “don’t do that!”


Now I’m just one of those stupid adults.

Now I only run in running specific shoes that are best suited to my foot needs and a fancy watch that tracks pace and distance and tells me how many calories I burned. I have a running partner and of course a heart rate monitor. I run a predetermined course that fits my training mileage and my biggest concern is “over doing it” You never want to over do it because you’ll get an injury and if you’re injured you have to put ice on it for weeks and weeks while everyone says “you don’t want to ignore that.”

Yes I do. I want to ignore that and I want to ignore you and I want to jump your precious fence and kick your stupid dog and run up your slide and jump off a chair and see exactly how many times you’ll yell “Don’t do that!”

Except I can’t. Not because I’m afraid of you. Because I am a little fat and incapable of doing any of those things. It will all commence with the embarrassment of not even kind of getting over the fence. I have just the perfect swirl of mental health issues to make me way angrier at you about the height of your fence than angry at me for my incompetence. That’s right. If you see me and I mouth something you don’t understand. I most likely whispered “F$%& you and your fence”


Don’t worry about that though. I’m going to start lifting weights and stuff so pretty soon no fence will stand in my way and you and I will be friends again.

In the mean time. I have a theory. My shoes don’t light up. If they did I would obviously have to show you. This would lead to many a spontaneous run. Pretty soon I’ll be having all sorts of spurts of activities that are not part of my training plan and unscheduled bursts of frolicking. Can you imagine, suddenly without explanation you and other people are trapped in darkness and you get to yell “follow me to safety!” you run to the exit and your shoes, your glorious shoes, light the way. It would be a beautiful thing.

I swear to Marky Mark Sharon, if these came in my size I would never ask for anything else.

Also, I hope you are listening shoe makers because I have a billion dollar idea. Let me throw it at your face. Shoes that become cooler the more you use them. Right now we have watches and apps that tell our friends we’re better than them but you have to work it in to a conversation and pretend you’re not bragging. Like “Oh darn I only took 17,568 steps today. shoot. Better luck tomorrow right? I try to take a cajillion steps a day. Blah blah look at my loafers. How’s my golf stick?” JUST SHUT UP SHARON.

But! What if your shoes did the bragging for you. Like in the morning the light is kind of dim. Maybe a soft pink. But the more active you are the brighter the light. The more intense the color. Maybe they begin to flash and alternate and maybe a beat starts. Some sweet bass thumping. Gets ya moving even more. Just a little at first, more complex over time until you’ve got a gersh dern rave happening at your south pole and everyone is dancing and laughing and somebody brought a ham. It’s so fun.


What if you could set a step goal and a favorite song and your shoes will only play every instrument at the right tempo accompanied by an amazing laser light show if you reach your goal? You would be an athlete, and a musician, and have a sweet ass!

This, and other fantasy scenarios in which fun shoes are the hero of the day, has led me to believe the answer to all of my current boredom…..

wait for it…..

…… moon boots. I shall wear moon boots. Every where. All the time. I will abandon my predetermined scheduled in advance daily activity tracked by a Garmin ways for happy feet. Happy feet are moving feet and moving feet make sexy butts. It’s science.

Moon Boots. No one can stop me. Not you, not your fence, not the Nazi’s, not the looks of disapproval and shame when I’m rocking those kicks every single day all the live long winter.

Sharon get the sword. I have an announcement.

BY THE POWER OF AMAZON! I. HAVE. THE. MOON BOOTS! (in two to three weeks, because, well, free shipping)


2 thoughts on “If I have a problem, yo, I’ll solve it.

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