Order of Operations and other bad excuses

There is an order. A series of steps. That are in order. Without order it’s chaos and then what are you even doing with your life Sharon?

I cannot clean the kitchen unless I start with the dishes. I cannot clean my room unless I start with making my bed. I cannot skip around on my chore chart or I might end up coloring a box red next to a box that is already purple and then what? just be a communist?

Notice the order of colors keeps the red and green separated so as not to invoke Christmas overtones and the red and purple are kept apart to avoid reminding me of a hideous shirt I owned in the 80’s. Basically red has limited acceptable dance partners.
I cannot take a shower if I’m about to work out and I cannot workout until the kids are home to watch the baby and the kids cannot watch the baby until they have finished their homework and chores and the kids cannot finish their homework and chores because they’re a bunch of uncultured swine.

Also. This is why I never get my mail. ‘Get the mail’ is approximately step 82 in my day to day life and if I’m being honest, I start drinking in celebration if I get through step 7. Step 82 has never been completed. Once the mail lady knocked on my front door and handed me a whole bucket of mail because apparently my mailbox could not contain the contents anymore. She looked disappointed in me.  I didn’t care. Unless someone had just shipped me a fresh bag of f&%$’s I had none to give.

So the question of the day is, how the f shack do I ever get anything done? The answer, I mostly don’t. But when I do, it requires a lot of lists. There is a list for everything and everything on a list and as long as I can approach each item in an orderly fashion we’re golden, we’re shakin’, we’re making bacon Sharon. But we’re not making bacon until I clean off the stove. After I wipe down all the knobs and handles. But first the counter tops which I won’t even start until the dishes are done. The dishes will have to wait because the very very very first thing we have to do today is figure out what that smell is.

Speaking of bacon does it bother anyone else that there is only the one ‘o’? Cause vacuum somehow negotiated an additional ‘u’ and I feel very strongly that bacon supersedes vacuum in every way including but not limited to extra vowels. Plus, think about the way we say bacon. We most definitely hold that word in our mouth for an extra beat. I’m doing it, from this day forward I will write bacon as baacon. Obviously it can’t become bacoon or we’ll pronounce it racoon and thats not even where the emphasis is. So we’re going with baacon.


I’ll have you know that we derailed from a productive day to a baacon revolution because I’ve gone off the list in writing this blog. I wasn’t supposed to blog until after lunch and here I am disregarding the list and spitting in the face of all that is wholesome and decent. Damn it Sharon! This listless journey has produced nothing more than the sizzling aroma of chaos. I hope you are happy with myself.

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