Monday or Never


I don’t hate Mondays. Most people hate Mondays. I’m not most people. For most their hate is easily traced to the frustration of the untimely death of their weekend. I don’t have a weekend. I’m unemployed. So you know, everyday is basically Saturday. Therefor, in my world, Monday doesn’t signify the end of anything. Quite the opposite actually, Monday is the beginning. I love Mondays. Mondays are a brand new opportunity to be the person we pretend to be on Instagram. or something like that. Monday is the launch date. I’m going to start whatever it is I need to start on a bright new shiny Monday. And there lies the crux of my failures.

Nearly every aspect of my week is decided first thing Monday morning. It’s a make it or break it day. If I wake up late with a headache and a craving for donuts. It sets a tone. E flat I’m pretty sure. A donut in the morning means I’m having fried shit with cheese for every meal. and cookies. If I don’t jump out of bed Monday morning and hit the ground running. That’s it. I’m out for the week. I’m on the reserve list. There will be no healthy dieting and no vigorous exercise. An executive decision has been made.

Why not just pick myself up by the bootstraps on Tuesday you ask, because I don’t wear boots and I already decided there will be no vigorous exercise witch clearly includes heavy lifting Sharon. One little hiccup shouldn’t derail the entire train, right?. Wrong. I’m not derailing the train. I’m straight up missing any and all interaction with the train. Obviously if you miss a train it ain’t coming back. Trains don’t do U-Turns. You have to wait for the next train. The next train comes on Monday. That’s the schedule. Can you catch a train to Cleveland every minute of every hour? No sir. That’s preposterous. You either get on the train when it’s boarding at the station or you miss the train. The train to responsible, health conscious, organized efficiency pulls into the station Monday morning at 6:00:00am and hauls ass out of there at 6:00:03am. Which correlates to when my “go to the gym” alarm goes off and my ever fattening hand hits the snooze button, aka the NOT TODAY SHARON button.

As of today I have about a cazillion 30 days to tighter/cleaner/smarter/achievement of some kind challenges saved on Pinterest geared up and ready for the 1st of the month……. that is also a Monday. Because you clearly cannot start a month long challenge on the 10th and you clearly cannot start a month long challenge on a Thursday. So May. May was the only month of the entire year that started on a Monday. May was the only option to tighten my butt, get some of them six pack abs, clean and organize my kitchen, write a book, stick to a budget, eat clean, keep a journal, play an instrument, perform a random act of kindness, learn a language, etc etc etc. Jefferson Airplane! Monday May 1st was such a busy insanely overwhelming day. Can you imagine if I’d have kept that momentum for 30 days? 176 30 day challenges attempted at once.  I’d have gone insane. What’s so impressive about doing the splits if you’re crying and licking the window at the same time.

The one gem in that smorgasbord would have been the journal challenge. Days 1-2 would have been filled with hope and the satisfaction of accomplishment but days 3-29 would have been a slow transgression into madness. By the final day it would have become disconnected french mumbling and the number 30 scratched out over and over. I’m picturing charcoal at this point. Charcoal is clearly the preferred writing utensil of the mentally incompetent. It takes a half wit to choose a medium that is just going to get all over the friggin place before you’ve even finished writing your name. Damn it Sharon! What the fun time does this even say? It’s just a bunch of smudging and now you’re failure is forever a part of the carpet.


The next month to start on a Monday is January of 2018. How amazing is that? It’s kismet. According to my current philosophy 2018 could be my year to really shine my shit OR blow an entire year within the first 10 minutes. I don’t need to read tea leaves to guess the outcome of my future predicament.

To avoid the inevitable bagging of an entire year I need a change of perspective. I’m going to need to convince myself to do things despite not having done them on Monday.  I’ll throw a seductive picture of Tuesday on my non existent vision board and talk myself into a new set of beliefs. Perhaps a mantra is all it takes. I can chant “there’s more than one way to Cleveland.” except I have no desire to go to Cleveland. So I’ll change that to, “don’t wait for a train when you can drive yourself there dumbass.”

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